Lisbon Blog

You’re listening to Ben Harper, staring into the bottom of your wine glass and checking your phone 16 times an hour.

It’s got to be a break-up. You’re pretty sure that you could change their mind, if only you could figure out what they were saying when they ended it. Here’s the ugly truth. There are almost NEVER good reasons to break up. It’s almost always as vague as “I’m just not really into you any more.” And when the reason IS specific, believe me you don’t want to know. It will only hurt you even more.

If you insist on knowing, here are a few behind-the-scenes peeks at what some of those classic breakup lines really mean.

Line: It’s not you, it’s me.
Translation: It’s you.

Line (Version 2): It’s not you, it’s me.
Translation: It’s not you, it’s that hottie from the gym that I’m going out with on Friday

Line: We’re not connecting on an intellectual level.
Translation: You’re boring, and even the hot sex isn’t hot any more because you’re too stupid to think of more than three moves.

Line: We have nothing in common
Translation: Everything you do makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. Or yours.

Line: We’ve grown apart
Translation: I’ve grown up and you’ve grown potatoes in your butt from sitting on the couch

Line: You’re too good for me
Translation: I’m too good for you

Line (Version 1): You’re too good for me
Translation: You’re so uptight and anal that if you were going out with Jesus you’d nag him to shave

Line: I just need some space right now
Translation: And a restraining order, you clingy freak

Line: I think we should just be friends
Translation: We’ll never be friends, I just want you to go away.

Line: I think we should see other people
Translation: I already am

Line: We need to talk
Translation: We need to stop talking. Forever.

Line: I’m not ready for a commitment
Translation: I’ve already slept with you and I’m bored. I also may have slept with your best friend.

Line: I don’t know what I want
Translation: I would still like to keep you hanging on in case I’m bored on a Saturday or my other booty call doesn’t work out.

Line: —
Translation: I am going to be the disappearing kind of person who stops taking your calls until you figure it out for yourself.

And the all-time, killer breakup line award goes to…..

Line: So, how do you think this is going?
Translation: I want this to seem like a mutual breakup so you don’t hate me and try to kill me in my sleep. PS Can I have my key back now?

The best way to break up is to be completely honest, if you have no idea why it’s really over. If your relationship still has a few embers glowing, why not rent Apartments in Lisbon and take your sweetheart somewhere special for a week or two.